You’re Not Confused About Your Relationship. You’re *Stalling*.
Feb 11, 2026
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner & for most people, this holiday is rarely about true romance.
It's actually a pressure point (usually pretty triggering), and it'll be especially stressful if your relationship is going through a rough patch.
Valentine's day is about amplification.
Just like a mirror, it amplifies what’s already there. It reveals the [often painful] truth.
The distance you feel from your partner.
The loneliness.
The resentment.
The unmet needs.
The fear you’ve been quietly swallowing to not rock the boat.
It’s the day where the lights get turned all the way up, and if something feels off, it's hard to hide from it.
Then pile on top of that silent - or very loud & demanding - expectations of closeness or demonstrations of appreciation, as well as the ick of feeling forced into performative intimacy...and you've got a massive boiling point.
That’s why it feels so heavy for most people.
Not because of the holiday itself, but because of the intimacy threshold it exposes.
There’s a very specific moment in a relationship that most people avoid.
It’s not the breakup or the big fight.
It’s the quiet knowing. The moment where you realize:
“I can’t keep doing this the same way.”
You know the conversation you need to have - you drafted the breakup text three times & keep deleting it.
You know the boundary you need to set - you've rehearsed it in your head a hundred times already, but never actually say it.
You know the truth you’ve been softening - you fantasize about a different dynamic on the daily, but won’t risk destabilizing the one you're currently in.
Instead of taking action...you keep stalling out.
You call it “bad timing". You say "it’s complicated". You tell yourself you need "more clarity" before you do anything about it..
But you don’t.
You’re not confused about your relationship.
You’re just procrastinating on taking the next - and riskier - step. The one that might actually cost you something.
But what's it costing you not to do something?
Missing out on the epic love of a lifetime?
Settling for a boring, dry & shitty sex life (or a total lack thereof)?
Doing all the giving, but never receiving what YOU need & want in return?
Being with someone passive who never takes initiative or rises to meet you unless you're nagging at them to change?
Craving emotional, spiritual AND sexual connection in a relationship where you're both growing on the same page, instead of feeling like you're with someone who completely doesn't get you at all?
Spending nights in bed numbed out while scrolling your phone, instead of being with a partner who can't keep their hands off of you?
This next step could also be the doorway into getting what you really want, instead of denying your needs indefinitely or pretending that settling for something mediocre (or even the bare minimum) is enough.
Valentine’s Day just makes your deepest desires harder to ignore.
Because when everyone else is posting flowers & sexy candlelight dinners...you’re confronted with "the gap" (which keeps widening, by the way, the longer you avoid doing anything about it).
The gap between what you say you want...and what you’re actually tolerating.
The gap between the passionate, reciprocal intimacy you fantasize about...and the painful pattern you keep repeating.
And let's be so honest - the gap can be wildly scary & uncomfortable.
So you bypass it for another year in a row. Drink a few glasses of wine to numb it the day-of. Buy the gift & play along, even though you secretly resent the fuck out of the entire relationship dynamic. Or pick a fight to avoid the deeper truth (and push them away before the end of the night to avoid having "expected" sex, when you're actually frustrated or bitter).
Then a few days pass by, the pressure is off again and you're back to where you were...but nothing has actually improved.
And here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Nothing changes because nothing new was planted.
In relationships - just like in every other area of your life - what you consistently think, say and do is what grows.
In Tibetan Buddhism (what I study & practice), your mind is the garden.
If you keep planting seeds of avoidance, silence, resentment or half-truths…that’s what matures.
If you plant courage, honesty, vulnerability & clear boundaries…that grows instead.
Like produces like.
Love produces more love. Anger produces more anger.
Intimacy isn’t something you “get".
It’s something you cultivate.
And cultivation requires conscious action.
This is the part most people won’t admit:
You can be self-aware. Emotionally intelligent. Successful. Even had years of therapy.
And still freeze at the threshold.
Maybe you've taken a huge leap of faith in the past. Perhaps you're entrepreneurial & built a business from scratch. Or you’ve taken financial risks. I'm sure you've reinvented yourself at some point in your life.
But saying:
“I need more in this partnership.”
“This isn’t working for me.”
“I’m done beating around the bush & sweeping this problem under the rug.”
It feels like death to most people, because unlike in your career, in love - where you tend to be the most raw & vulnerable, as well as the most invested (like if you live together, have a family, etc.) - the risk feels ultra personal.
A change in your relationship status threatens your identity & maybe also your social standing (what will your family or friends have to say?) - plus, it could affect other people in your inner circle directly (like children). Rejection hits the ego directly. The unknown feels like abandonment. The void is excruciating.
You want depth. But depth requires you to tolerate discomfort, too - the kind of discomfort that comes with growth, vulnerability, exposure or breaking old patterns.
And most people would rather manage tension & control [public] perception than lean into the edge of real, deep intimacy.
Deeper intimacy isn't just doing what feels "easy" or "safe", especially if what you're used to is a lot of hot & cold, push & pull energy or constant withdrawal or lashing out in anger when your fears & insecurities surface.
So you hesitate.
And it's not because you don’t know what to do.
It's because you’re afraid of what crossing the threshold will mean in terms of sacrifice or loss.
If this is landing for you, you're likely standing right at the edge of a powerful intimacy shift.
And Valentine’s Day is the spotlight.
It forces the question:
Are you going to keep managing the discomfort…or are you finally going to move through it?
Trust me, you don’t need more insight. You need courage.
Courage to say the thing you're terrified of saying out loud.
Courage to face feeling cast aside or punished when you tell the truth.
Courage to stop pretending you’re confused, when deep down you're perfectly clear & aware of what your next step should be...but you've been resisting & delaying it by circling this moment for weeks, months or even years by now.
And the longer you stall, the heavier that pressure point becomes. The more your irritations fester. And the further away you move from the emotionally-connected, passionate (and com-passionate) intimacy you crave.
Valentine’s isn’t the problem. It’s the mirror.
And what you do with that mirror this year is entirely up to you.
Big love,
Ali xx
P.S. This is the work I do, with people who are standing at an intimacy edge. The crucial conversation you’ve been avoiding, the big leap you keep postponing - we cross it, so you stop tolerating the gap between what you really want - intimacy that feels mutual, honest & erotically-alive - and what you’re actually living.
If that’s you, explore working together 1:1 here:
